H7 Story: True Freedom in Christ
Former pastor and current re:generation leader Jason McCoy shared his testimony with the re:gen large group a few weeks ago. Jason's vulnerability about his struggles was so helpful that we thought everyone should read his story.
Hi, my name is Jason McCoy. I have a new life in Christ, and I'm recovering from pride, anger, and self-righteousness.
Before coming to re:generation recovery on Monday nights, I was hesitant and didn't really expect it to help me. I felt like I understood my personal sin issues, and even though my management strategies for handling those issues were completely failing, I really didn't think I needed this program.
I was raised in church. I can't remember a time in my life that I didn't "believe" in God. However, it wasn't until my younger brother and I were in a car accident that took his life that I realized I wasn't saved. My belief was just in my head and wasn't real in my life. After this realization (and a lot of investigation), I placed my trust in Christ for my salvation.
I became active in church, eventually leading a youth group, teaching an adult Sunday School class, and finally becoming ordained and pastoring a church. But the church "culture" I was raised in and was used to said that I couldn't (or shouldn't) share my weaknesses or struggles. Several pastors had given me the same advice. "Never show weakness, sin, fear, or doubt." I had to be "above sin," especially in the role of pastor. So, I became very good at hiding those things. I wasn't honest with myself, my family, or God when it came to my own sin. I spent a lot of time in scripture. I had to. I was preaching three sermons a week, leading a team of deacons, counseling people, and organizing virtually everything going on at our church. But none of that study was really for me. I wasn’t in the Word to find guidance for myself. I wasn't seeking to be the husband, father, or man that God had called me to be. I was trying to be "a good pastor." I was really missing the point entirely.
Always, in the back of my mind, lived the fear of being “found out.” I was afraid of being "found out" that I was wasn't as “holy” as I was supposed to be. I feared my own weaknesses, sin, or lack of knowledge would cause someone else to stumble. I felt (wrongly) that it was my responsibility to be a representation of God to the church, and this led me to become fake in the way I allowed myself to be seen by others and eventually led to a very prideful mentality. It quickly became a life that was unmanageable, unrealistic, and based on my own abilities instead of God's strength and power in my life. My pride wouldn't allow me to admit my fears or sins, and this led me to hide them and try to manage them in a number of unhealthy ways that only made things worse. My lack of honesty caused me to hide the truth about myself from everyone.
This ultimately damaged a number of relationships—generally, the ones I was most trying to protect. I couldn't let my kids know that I didn't have all the answers, and I couldn't let my wife know how much I feared failure or letting her down. So I hid those things. After stepping away from pastoring, my life only spiraled further out of control.
My natural tendency is to avoid things I think will cause discomfort or confrontation. I avoid conflict and sometimes pretend everything is okay just to keep the peace or a semblance of it. While all this was happening, we became foster parents. Accidentally, at first, when a child in our family was placed in foster care, we were called as a “next of kin” placement. After this child and his sister were allowed to return home, we continued as foster parents. Over the next decade, we would foster dozens of children and adopt six. Our family dynamic changed drastically. And my weaknesses as a father and husband were more visible than ever. And I handled many of the stresses that came with these changes very poorly. I began to drink heavily and attempted to hide it from my wife. At first, it was only rarely (just a way to relax- I told myself), but it quickly escalated. I was drinking several times a week. I justified this in my own mind as just a way to cope and release stress. I would tell myself it wasn’t hurting anything. I wasn’t violent or abusive. I wasn’t missing work or being reckless. At least, these were the lies I was telling myself. In reality, I was hurting everyone around me. I was keeping secrets from my wife. I was lying to my kids. I was lying to myself. I was avoiding problems and using alcohol to “cope” instead of taking my stress, fear, and anger to God. I was broken, but I still believed I knew how to fix myself. I first came to recovery as a way of showing my efforts to “do better” and didn’t really expect to learn anything new about myself.
My first night was a little shocking. Even as a pastor, I had never heard people so willing to discuss their sins openly and freely. That was a big adjustment for me. Every cell in my body was screaming for me to continue to make excuses or find ways to validate my own sin. I think this is why Step 1: ADMIT had such a huge impact on me. I had never admitted my sin to another human being. Hearing others share their stories of struggles with sin was an eye-opener to me. I wasn't surprised that other people struggled with sin. We all know that to be true. I was surprised to hear people talk so openly about it and seek prayer and accountability for it. This was entirely new to me. After some time, I realized that I wasn't alone in my struggles and didn't have to hide them. I didn't have to carry that weight alone.
I also realized, for the first time, that the sin patterns I knew I had were really only symptoms of bigger and unrecognized sin. My first night, if you had asked me why I came, if I had told you the truth, I would have said something about the alcohol and my attempt to keep it secret from my wife and family. I really didn’t see the underlying and real problems I was facing. For example, prior to re:gen, I never imagined that anger would be on my list. I had preached sermons on self-righteousness. Surely, that wasn’t one of my issues! And pride? I’m the most humble person in the room. At least, this is how I saw myself (self-righteous much?). And this isn’t an all-inclusive list. I discovered a lot about myself that I don’t believe I would have ever seen if not for re:gen. Things like how I seek to be a people-pleaser, I'm codependent, and my happiness is often tied to the happiness of those I care for. I have a real fear of failure and feel like I always need to have the correct answer. If I doubt my "answer," I tend to become very passive, so I don't have the responsibility if failure does occur. All these things also put an undue burden and more work on my wife.
I was completely blind to all these things. God used this program to show me Himself in ways I had never seen Him before. And I understood, probably for the first time, how much God really is concerned about every aspect of my life. He wants to be my strength and my refuge. He wants me to find my rest in Him. He wants to heal me, and he wants me to experience true freedom in Christ. I couldn't have that freedom as long as I was trying to do things my way while keeping secrets. What I considered my attempts to protect the people I love was me trying to save face. I feared how they would see me if they knew the truth, if they knew I was weak, if they knew I was “human.” And believe me when I say they knew all those things in spite of my attempts to hide them. Those attempts only compounded the problems.
God’s not finished working on me. I know I still have work to do, and I realize it’s daily work. But it isn’t work I must do alone. Coming here every week, knowing I’m going to be asked questions, knowing I have to be honest and have accountability, and knowing I’m going to hear others share what they’ve faced is a daily reminder that God is present, and he cares. He knows, and I’m not alone in my struggles. God is here, helping me along the way and He has provided a community of people to be by my side. I now see my sin for what it is. I no longer try to make excuses for it, and I strive for honesty with myself and others about it. I no longer hide or feel like I need to. And there’s a huge freedom in that. I’m less concerned about how people see me and more concerned about how God sees me. I’ve come to recognize the triggers that led me into sinful patterns, and now I give those things to God instead of making things worse by trying to manage them myself. I used to wake up at night in fear that my kids would figure out that their dad didn’t have all the answers and couldn’t be their “savior.” How crazy is that? And to sit here now, looking back at all I tried to do to hide that while realizing first that I was never intended to be their “savior”… it wasn’t my job or my purpose. And second, to realize what a mess I made of things while trying to be something I couldn’t possibly be. My failed attempt only put my sin on full display and caused far more damage than good.
When we say, “We can do nothing good apart from God,” we mean it. My righteousness is truly filthy rags before him, and without him, my life really is unmanageable. A verse I went back to over and over again is Psalm 28:7. It says, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped." It feels really good to know God is my help. He’s exactly what I need. He is my strength, and I have none without him.
If I could say only one thing, it would be to leave all preconceived notions about what you need from Christ and recovery at the door. I came with almost two decades of church leadership of some kind or another under my belt and was still blind to what I really needed. I saw the symptoms but not the real issues. Allow God to show you the truth about yourself and Himself. I was amazed to see how messed up I was and how desperately I needed a change. I was encouraged to see the changes he had made in others. The entire culture of our church changed after we began this program here. It was amazing the way people talked about their own sins and the freedom they found in Christ. Their openness to share and be real, without the shame that so many feel about their sin- it’s just so rare. But that’s the point. That’s the point of the cross. Jesus took it all: all my sin, all your sin, all of it. He paid for all of it. He took my shame. He took all the ways I have and will continue to fail, and he paid the price for all of it. He knows me better than anyone, and He loves me in spite of myself. In AMENDS, we talk a lot about doing what’s right and trusting God with the outcome. That’s not just true for that step. We (I) can trust Him with the outcome in every situation. I needed that reminder.
As I previously said, I still have a way to go. God isn’t done with me, but I know He will continue to grow me. He is with me, and in spite of all I am and all I’m not, He loves me. And He loves you, too.
Maybe, you, like Jason have struggled to feel fully seen and fully loved and felt the need to "hide" from your struggles, come join us at re:gen any Monday night from 6:30-8:30p and experience true community and find freedom in Christ.
Hi, my name is Jason McCoy. I have a new life in Christ, and I'm recovering from pride, anger, and self-righteousness.
Before coming to re:generation recovery on Monday nights, I was hesitant and didn't really expect it to help me. I felt like I understood my personal sin issues, and even though my management strategies for handling those issues were completely failing, I really didn't think I needed this program.
I was raised in church. I can't remember a time in my life that I didn't "believe" in God. However, it wasn't until my younger brother and I were in a car accident that took his life that I realized I wasn't saved. My belief was just in my head and wasn't real in my life. After this realization (and a lot of investigation), I placed my trust in Christ for my salvation.
I became active in church, eventually leading a youth group, teaching an adult Sunday School class, and finally becoming ordained and pastoring a church. But the church "culture" I was raised in and was used to said that I couldn't (or shouldn't) share my weaknesses or struggles. Several pastors had given me the same advice. "Never show weakness, sin, fear, or doubt." I had to be "above sin," especially in the role of pastor. So, I became very good at hiding those things. I wasn't honest with myself, my family, or God when it came to my own sin. I spent a lot of time in scripture. I had to. I was preaching three sermons a week, leading a team of deacons, counseling people, and organizing virtually everything going on at our church. But none of that study was really for me. I wasn’t in the Word to find guidance for myself. I wasn't seeking to be the husband, father, or man that God had called me to be. I was trying to be "a good pastor." I was really missing the point entirely.
Always, in the back of my mind, lived the fear of being “found out.” I was afraid of being "found out" that I was wasn't as “holy” as I was supposed to be. I feared my own weaknesses, sin, or lack of knowledge would cause someone else to stumble. I felt (wrongly) that it was my responsibility to be a representation of God to the church, and this led me to become fake in the way I allowed myself to be seen by others and eventually led to a very prideful mentality. It quickly became a life that was unmanageable, unrealistic, and based on my own abilities instead of God's strength and power in my life. My pride wouldn't allow me to admit my fears or sins, and this led me to hide them and try to manage them in a number of unhealthy ways that only made things worse. My lack of honesty caused me to hide the truth about myself from everyone.
This ultimately damaged a number of relationships—generally, the ones I was most trying to protect. I couldn't let my kids know that I didn't have all the answers, and I couldn't let my wife know how much I feared failure or letting her down. So I hid those things. After stepping away from pastoring, my life only spiraled further out of control.
My natural tendency is to avoid things I think will cause discomfort or confrontation. I avoid conflict and sometimes pretend everything is okay just to keep the peace or a semblance of it. While all this was happening, we became foster parents. Accidentally, at first, when a child in our family was placed in foster care, we were called as a “next of kin” placement. After this child and his sister were allowed to return home, we continued as foster parents. Over the next decade, we would foster dozens of children and adopt six. Our family dynamic changed drastically. And my weaknesses as a father and husband were more visible than ever. And I handled many of the stresses that came with these changes very poorly. I began to drink heavily and attempted to hide it from my wife. At first, it was only rarely (just a way to relax- I told myself), but it quickly escalated. I was drinking several times a week. I justified this in my own mind as just a way to cope and release stress. I would tell myself it wasn’t hurting anything. I wasn’t violent or abusive. I wasn’t missing work or being reckless. At least, these were the lies I was telling myself. In reality, I was hurting everyone around me. I was keeping secrets from my wife. I was lying to my kids. I was lying to myself. I was avoiding problems and using alcohol to “cope” instead of taking my stress, fear, and anger to God. I was broken, but I still believed I knew how to fix myself. I first came to recovery as a way of showing my efforts to “do better” and didn’t really expect to learn anything new about myself.
My first night was a little shocking. Even as a pastor, I had never heard people so willing to discuss their sins openly and freely. That was a big adjustment for me. Every cell in my body was screaming for me to continue to make excuses or find ways to validate my own sin. I think this is why Step 1: ADMIT had such a huge impact on me. I had never admitted my sin to another human being. Hearing others share their stories of struggles with sin was an eye-opener to me. I wasn't surprised that other people struggled with sin. We all know that to be true. I was surprised to hear people talk so openly about it and seek prayer and accountability for it. This was entirely new to me. After some time, I realized that I wasn't alone in my struggles and didn't have to hide them. I didn't have to carry that weight alone.
I also realized, for the first time, that the sin patterns I knew I had were really only symptoms of bigger and unrecognized sin. My first night, if you had asked me why I came, if I had told you the truth, I would have said something about the alcohol and my attempt to keep it secret from my wife and family. I really didn’t see the underlying and real problems I was facing. For example, prior to re:gen, I never imagined that anger would be on my list. I had preached sermons on self-righteousness. Surely, that wasn’t one of my issues! And pride? I’m the most humble person in the room. At least, this is how I saw myself (self-righteous much?). And this isn’t an all-inclusive list. I discovered a lot about myself that I don’t believe I would have ever seen if not for re:gen. Things like how I seek to be a people-pleaser, I'm codependent, and my happiness is often tied to the happiness of those I care for. I have a real fear of failure and feel like I always need to have the correct answer. If I doubt my "answer," I tend to become very passive, so I don't have the responsibility if failure does occur. All these things also put an undue burden and more work on my wife.
I was completely blind to all these things. God used this program to show me Himself in ways I had never seen Him before. And I understood, probably for the first time, how much God really is concerned about every aspect of my life. He wants to be my strength and my refuge. He wants me to find my rest in Him. He wants to heal me, and he wants me to experience true freedom in Christ. I couldn't have that freedom as long as I was trying to do things my way while keeping secrets. What I considered my attempts to protect the people I love was me trying to save face. I feared how they would see me if they knew the truth, if they knew I was weak, if they knew I was “human.” And believe me when I say they knew all those things in spite of my attempts to hide them. Those attempts only compounded the problems.
God’s not finished working on me. I know I still have work to do, and I realize it’s daily work. But it isn’t work I must do alone. Coming here every week, knowing I’m going to be asked questions, knowing I have to be honest and have accountability, and knowing I’m going to hear others share what they’ve faced is a daily reminder that God is present, and he cares. He knows, and I’m not alone in my struggles. God is here, helping me along the way and He has provided a community of people to be by my side. I now see my sin for what it is. I no longer try to make excuses for it, and I strive for honesty with myself and others about it. I no longer hide or feel like I need to. And there’s a huge freedom in that. I’m less concerned about how people see me and more concerned about how God sees me. I’ve come to recognize the triggers that led me into sinful patterns, and now I give those things to God instead of making things worse by trying to manage them myself. I used to wake up at night in fear that my kids would figure out that their dad didn’t have all the answers and couldn’t be their “savior.” How crazy is that? And to sit here now, looking back at all I tried to do to hide that while realizing first that I was never intended to be their “savior”… it wasn’t my job or my purpose. And second, to realize what a mess I made of things while trying to be something I couldn’t possibly be. My failed attempt only put my sin on full display and caused far more damage than good.
When we say, “We can do nothing good apart from God,” we mean it. My righteousness is truly filthy rags before him, and without him, my life really is unmanageable. A verse I went back to over and over again is Psalm 28:7. It says, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped." It feels really good to know God is my help. He’s exactly what I need. He is my strength, and I have none without him.
If I could say only one thing, it would be to leave all preconceived notions about what you need from Christ and recovery at the door. I came with almost two decades of church leadership of some kind or another under my belt and was still blind to what I really needed. I saw the symptoms but not the real issues. Allow God to show you the truth about yourself and Himself. I was amazed to see how messed up I was and how desperately I needed a change. I was encouraged to see the changes he had made in others. The entire culture of our church changed after we began this program here. It was amazing the way people talked about their own sins and the freedom they found in Christ. Their openness to share and be real, without the shame that so many feel about their sin- it’s just so rare. But that’s the point. That’s the point of the cross. Jesus took it all: all my sin, all your sin, all of it. He paid for all of it. He took my shame. He took all the ways I have and will continue to fail, and he paid the price for all of it. He knows me better than anyone, and He loves me in spite of myself. In AMENDS, we talk a lot about doing what’s right and trusting God with the outcome. That’s not just true for that step. We (I) can trust Him with the outcome in every situation. I needed that reminder.
As I previously said, I still have a way to go. God isn’t done with me, but I know He will continue to grow me. He is with me, and in spite of all I am and all I’m not, He loves me. And He loves you, too.
Maybe, you, like Jason have struggled to feel fully seen and fully loved and felt the need to "hide" from your struggles, come join us at re:gen any Monday night from 6:30-8:30p and experience true community and find freedom in Christ.
Posted in Tell the Story